Finding My Own Way to Meditate
You are the only one who can discover what works for you so make sure to stay curious and be attentive to opportunities.
I’ve always wanted to be able to properly meditate and I tried several times because I thought it should help my acting as well, you know, to be able to focus and be present. But the phrases I hear often in guided meditations such as “empty your mind”, “forget about what you need to do after this meditation”, “be present” but “let your mind flow” ???, they always made me do the complete opposite.
I remember when I was training at an acting conservatory, one of my acing teachers lead an exercise that sounded like a guided meditation. I was lying on my back with my eyes closed and trying to follow what he was telling us to picture in our head: “You are leaving this room…. you see a door in front of you. What kind of door is it? Is it a wooden door? How big is it?”. Honestly, I was struggling to follow him and paint the picture in my head. I was being indecisive and kept being distracted by judgemental thoughts. And before you know it, he started saying “… now you are coming back to this room and to your body…”. So, after the exercise, I was left feeling anxious for not being able to have the full experience and also beating myself up for my poor imagination skill. It definitely was not meditative at all. Well, I would at least give credit to myself for not being pretentious and accepting the experience. And after that, I kept trying several meditation exercises whenever there were opportunities regardless.
And what have I found for myself?
Actually, I’ve found my own way of meditating by accident. One day, I was steaming my face for deep cleansing. I prepared a bucket of hot water, placed my face over it and put a bath towel over my head to quarantine my entire head and the warm steam in complete darkness. Although I do this facial regularly, the only thing I did differently to usual was to not to listen to a podcast or music but be in silence. I like listening to podcasts while doing something repetitive or mundane such as folding my laundry or cleaning my room because it makes me feel like I am using my time efficiently. But that day I instinctively felt I just needed to be in silence for a bit. The warm steam was so calming so it helped me relax my mind. I didn’t even have to tell myself to quiet my mind. I was inhaling the warm humid air and then letting go of the air from my body. Then I felt my saliva dripping but I didn’t care. I just let it go. And I kept breathing. Just breathing. And every liquid started pouring out of my face. The sensation was just like I felt during a memorable experience I had some years ago. I was sure it would do a good for me. I allowed them to leave my body whatever they were. And I accepted that they go and they went. Surrender. Breathe.
That was it.
I don’t know if this counts as a meditation practice but I don’t really care. That was what I needed to let go. As I age, I find less and less places (opportunities) to let go of feelings I hold in my body. Most of the time, I pay too little attention to them so that I can carry on with my everyday life. But it doesn’t mean that I feel less. Eventually, this day comes when I just don’t function anymore. When this happens, most often I feel much more than I knew I would because it is like opening a zip file full of feelings. So, sometimes I need to deliberately create a safe place for myself and release the built-up tension (feelings) from my body.
I am sure the “safe place” is unique to each one of us. And if you haven’t found one yet, you will keep trying to find it by following your instinct and being open to new opportunities. However, I believe “trying” never gets you where you imagine yourself to be but it will keep you going and lead you somewhere different than where you are right now. That’s the whole point of “you’ll never know unless you try” I suppose. And because you stay curious, you find your own unique place.
